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The hardest thing for me, has been to learn, silence. Right now I’m silent, yet not; I’m writing. If you’re like most of us, you’ll be reading this in your head. Is that me being silent and you not? Silence is when there isn’t even any chatter in our own head. Now that really is hard.
You could be reading out loud and that’s even worse!
The type of silence I struggle with is being silent around other people. Being with people and saying nothing. The need to put my ‘two penneth’ in is often overwhelming. I feel this has a lot to do with wanting them to speak. I want them to tell me something interesting; something about themselves. I love it when people talk. Most of the time, to get this, you need to give a little of yourself. You need to open up the conversation.
The other thing, is a dislike, of silence. I want others to fill this. Silence isn’t golden, silence is a total shit really. I realise I’m not overly keen on it. I also realise there are times when I long for it. Mostly I’m beginning to learn that it’s only certain people it’s useful to be silent around. Mostly it’s those who use your words as some kind of weapon. What really fascinates me about this though, is how I actually set myself up for it. It’s through needing to talk. My needing to be liked and understood. My need for conversation.
I remember just recently, how I was engaged in conversation about shop bought sandwiches, of all things. We spoke about the preservatives they must put in them. The conversation didn’t really go anywhere, and yet a little later I was talking about something completely different, when I said: ‘I’m on a roll.”
“You’re on a roll, you’re on a roll, ha ha!” The person with me was trying to be funny through childish sarcasm. It just pissed me off, so I tuned him out by turning away. I actually make a point of looking away from certain people now. Those who have nothing of interest to say. Those with scrambled brains.
So anyway, silence, it can be a tricky bastard.
To change the subject slightly, I’m feeling hungry again. I’ve found the best means of dealing with this, is to go out for a ride. Cutting down on food, you see, sugar in particular. And I just feel hungry all the time. My stomach is never silent.
How is it my life seems to be a constant fight against addictions? Sex, sugar, cigarettes, booze, love. It’s a fight to just stay clean and free. And what about these feelings? Do I really need to feel all this stuff? Dead was easier. Much, much easier.