Not in Your Shoes

Not in Your Shoes

“It’s nearing the end of another week, and if we can say anything, it’s been interesting”

The war of words between Russia and Britain continues, as does the not knowing, who to believe. We have a Britain that’s potentially struggling with the brexit matter, and the fact it’s just a tiny island, that used to be an empire.

We also have a broken Russia full of alcoholics and ‘quality’ prostitutes (the best in the world according to Putin) fighting to become an empire. On a personal level? Well, who gives a shit? If the insecure adult-children – who desperately need power and control as a substitute for love – win the battle, bombs that finish it all, are certain to come. Game over. We only have ourselves to blame if it’s us that continue to put these clowns in power.

In the meantime, we all have our personal issues, that seem far greater than the problems of the world at large. Of course they do, they’re our personal problems; they affect us directly. In fact, so personal are they, no one else really has a clue, about what we’re going through. Do they? Why would they? They’re not in our shoes.

“It’s even like this when it comes to family”

We might think that a family member might have clear insight into our troubles and struggles. Yet we’re so often disappointed aren’t we? No one really gets it. On a personal level, I’m so often saddened, by the response family members give. I then remind myself, it’s impossible for anyone to truly see things, from our point of view.

Events from our past, that continue to haunt us, were, at the time, viewed and perceived only by us. Only we know the true effects of our past. It happened to us. Only our mind experienced it. We must be careful when it comes to expecting others to see things from our point of view. They’re never likely to. If you’d been in a roller coaster when it crashed, would everyone in the carriage of experience the horror, in the exactly the same way as you? Never.

Because we’re alone with our experiences, we can never expect others to sympathise with our plight. We might be at a stage where we now fully understand the inhibiting nature of the past, and because of this, we want to move away from it.  Contrary to this, family, and society as a whole, teach us to feel some kind of duty or obligation to the past and its people. Even though these same family members, may have failed in their obligation and duty to us as children, we’re taught to stick with them. In this respect, abuse (in whatever form it took) continues. A sister may even become a replacement for an abusive dead mother. It goes on and on if we keep the ties to the past.

“One of the hardest things people face is breaking from an abusive past. We’re taught to forgive and forget. If I were to do that, I’d never succeed at retaining the anger needed, to change my world”

The ties that are formed through guilt and obligation can be so very powerful. Even though we know our presence is only due to misplaced duty, guilt or obligation, we keep going back for more. It’s well understood, neglected children continue to feel powerful bonds, to abusive parents. In fact, due to the minds need to constantly seek some kind of recognition, or love from a neglectful parent or parents, this, in itself, keeps them returning for more. A vicious cycle that takes lives. It takes lives in terms of them not being fully lived.

Once again I’m being reminded of the control and dominance people seem to require over each other. This dominance and control is there as a means of alleviating fear. The fear that a brother, sister, partner or friend may leave us all together, causes the fearful to employ methods for control. So much of human interaction is based on this need. In addition to this, a spiteful sibling, may think: How dare they not suffer. How dare they be living their life free whilst I’m stuck here. 

They are not in our shoes. They know nothing of our pain. They’ve failed to break free from their past; this is their problem; their failing. We can never allow them to keep us down. 

“Love, religion, guilt, caring, money, you name it, all used as a means for manipulation and control”

We must always bear in mind, parents had great fun creating us, and potentially had fun raising us. We didn’t ask to be born though. So why does being born to someone obligate us? They don’t own you because they created you. Because they created you, they have an obligation to make your life, as free as possible. Self-centered parents are increasingly seeing their children turn their backs on them, and they wonder why. 

Love can never be about keeping people around us – believing they owe us something – because we attempted to care for them when young. We must stop believing in debt if we’re ever to be free. Love, when properly understood, is the empowerment to set others free. A parent, or sibling for that matter, may struggle to understand – once we’ve moved on – we no longer want anything to do with them and our past at all. If we need to separate ourselves from the past, it is okay to see family members, as simply a group of people who happened to live in the same place, whilst we grew. They can become strangers.

People do become estranged. This happens for many reasons and those family members left behind often struggle to understand. They’re simply unable to put themselves in others shoes. Many years may have past, and parents be so old now, that they’re near to death. A sibling will struggle with estrangement especially at this time. We must ask though: If estranged, why would you want to watch an elderly parent, who has now become a stranger, die? To be estranged you must break all ties. Who’s in the habit of going into places full of dying strangers? Nurses? Doctors? Those who don’t need to, or have failed to break from their past, will struggle with this. They’re not in our shoes and we must always remember this.

“Breaking from the past takes courage”

Removing the emotional bonds created – not through love, through fear – is achieved when we truly understand: Our lives must be lived by our rules, on our terms, because there was, and is, no one else in our shoes.